Written on April 11, 2012 by Val
How can we create the happily-ever-after future that we pledge on our wedding day? How can we sustain the love we feel? I believe that there are four actions that each couple must consciously choose to do in order to create a happy future together:
- Small things often
- Remember that what you say and do every day matters
- Show your partner respect always, and
- Repair any emotional or financial wounds often.
For better or for worse, I believe comparing one’s marital relationship to a well-run, profitable business is easy to relate to. We often treat our customers and colleagues better than our spouse. Let’s use this metaphor to demonstrate the four actions a couple needs to take.
1.) Small Things Often. The success of a business depends on the way it treats its customers. Paying attention to the needs and wants of customers is critical, just as is paying attention to the wants and needs of one’s spouse. A hug, a foot rub, five minutes of conversation, taking a nap together are small gestures, which, if done frequently, add up to a lot of goodwill. Most spouses would rather experience small gestures frequently than be surprised by diamonds, flowers, or big-ticket items infrequently.
2.) What You Do and Say Every Day Matters. “Every great business is built on friendship.”- J.C. Penney. Friendship is based on trust, reciprocity, and a shared vision. Friends check in with each other frequently to see that they are on the same page.
Silence is golden…right? Not when you and your spouse are giving each other the silent treatment to avoid conflict, get your own way, punish one another, or because you don’t know how to get around the impasse you’re stuck in. Sometimes it seems that the more you talk, the more stuck you feel, so it’s easier not to talk at all. However, silence is costly in terms of the emotional, physical, and financial toll it takes on a relationship or a business partnership. Assumptions are by-products of silence and are not good for the health and well-being of a business partner or a spouse.
3.) Show Respect Always. One of the most important lessons I learned from my first marriage is, keep things right-sized. Maintain perspective. It’s too easy to let a problem escalate. Be proactive. Nip problems in the bud. Have simple sayings to deal with problems that arise. For example, my husband and I say, “This is a winter of our relationship.” It reminds us that this time, too, is just a season. It will pass. You can only do this if you are communicating respectfully with one another. Think of this aphorism as analogous to The Golden Rule.
4.) Repair Often. It is human to make mistakes. However, we are what we repeatedly do. It is ludicrous to keep doing things that don’t work; whether in love or in business. Without a customer, you have no business. If you make a mistake, own up to it. Say you’re sorry. Be accountable sooner rather than later for any hurt you may have caused.
Kate Zabriskie states, “Although your customers won’t love you if you give bad service, your competitors will.” There is always someone or some business out there to replace you. Affair proof your marriage by following the above tenets.
Happy wife, happy life is a metaphor to remember in maintaining all important relationships. We all are what we repeatedly do. May your ever afters be happy.
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Written on April 5, 2012 by Val
We’ve all read the headlines: Unemployment Rates Continue to Rise, Foreclosures are Up, Job Layoffs are Increasing.
Inevitably, stress on marriages is also on the rise. Research has shown that financial pressures are the number one cause of divorce in the United States. Add to this reality the downward spiral of today’s economy and many marriages are struggling.
Here are some suggestions for making sure your marriage operates in the black during these uncertain times:
- Commit to ride out this economic storm together
- Focus on gratitude – count your blessings every day
- Focus on the positive – find things in your partner to appreciate
- Decide what you can control and do it – you and your marriage don’t
have to be victims of the times
- Find ways to spend time together without spending money: cook a meal together,
pack a picnic and head to the park, turn on the radio and dance
- Find ways to volunteer together in serving others – serve a meal at a soup kitchen,
help build a Habitat house, tutor students after school
- Resist the temptation to point a finger in blame
- Find ways to affirm your spouse’s efforts
- Begin attending a marriage enrichment group
- Attend a couple’s class to learn communication and conflict management skills. Learn them and use them.
- Identify, celebrate, focus and build on current relationship strengths. Write them down!
- Openly discuss your financial realities – now is not the time to try to protect your spouse
- Remember the 3 Cs of a healthy relationship: commitment, communication and creative use of conflict
Yes, economic times are hard. But your marriage doesn’t have to pay the price. Investing in your marriage pays big dividends. To receive more relationship advice, check out our blog at www.prioritizerelationships.com.
-Article by Better Marriages, www.bettermarriages.org
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Written on March 28, 2012 by Val
(Astronaut) John Glenn and his wife, Annie: Asked in a People February 20, 2012 article, ‘What’s the secret of staying together for so long?’ they answered:
JG: “On April 6 it will be 69 years! We’ve never known a time when we didn’t know each other. Our parents were good friends and visited back and forth. They used to kid us after we were married that they had us together in the playpen. And they did.
AG: “You know, growing up together as we did, all I can say is that we just enjoyed each other. And even now we like to be together. Every now and then we’ll have an argument-everybody has arguments. But never in 69 years have we had a fight.”
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Written on March 23, 2012 by Val
Today I made a selection from my What’s Your Take? conversation prompts. This month the topic is Any Topic V-Z. As always, I take the time to mull over a wide variety of places I might go… V: Vacations, Visiting with a friend; W: Water-missing the ocean, Walter and his hiking trips to the Grand Canyon, weather-yea, it’s cleared up…I think I’ll stick with V!
Yesterday, I had a long lunch with a girlfriend who is going through a bit of a rough patch (my husband and I call them winters of our relationship) with her husband. As teachers and parents we’re both on spring break. What should be a carefree and relaxing time for my friend’s family has been marred by a stressful decision that is weighing heavily on not only the husband, but, as a result, the whole family. Our conversation centered around a possible move to a far-away location for a job-of-a-lifetime opportunity for the husband. However, emotional and financial variables including three teens, caring for elderly loved ones, a job for my friend, paying for the move, paying off current debt, etc. make the decision-making all the more difficult.
As conversations do, talk winded around to possible goals, dreams, and the stuff that futures are made of that my friend and her husband might want to explore. Maybe the job-of-a-lifetime was a metaphor for something that’s missing in their relationship. When we talk about far away moves, new beginnings can seem pretty heady and start taking on a life of their own. Our dreams can lead us to a carefree future where our present responsibilities can be left far behind. The future always looks brighter when we can dream and make all of our present problems go away. However in the case of my friend, this decision was robbing her and her husband of their present moments together.
My friend got to thinking about how much her children looked forward to going away to summer camp for a week each year-their vacation time. It occurred to me that maybe what my friend’s husband was really dreaming about was some carefree vacation time away from their present reality. After discovering that all three kids do go to camp the same week, I suggested that my friend and her husband look at ways to create a mini vacation of their own right here in town; a staycation of their own making. Where we live, beautiful resorts offer awesome discounts, there are wonderful places within walking distance, etc.
The light began to shine in my friend’s eyes as she saw that if they could take their focus off of a (currently) impossible dream, they could start talking again, focusing on the here and now as they worked towards building a more realistic dream vacation together.
Abraham Lincoln said, “People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be” and, “The best way to predict your future is to create it.” These quotes come to mind as this couple, and any couple for that matter, behave responsibly to each other and their family, live in the present moment and make plans for fun tomorrows together.
For them, March really has come in like a lion, and maybe will go out like a lamb!
Small Things Often
What You Do and Say Every Day Matters
Respect always; Repair Often
Remember to keep the happy in your ever-afters!
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Written on March 1, 2012 by Val
On Valentine’s Day, my husband surprised me by taking me to the Musical Instrument Museum (MIM). Romancing Arizona was the theme of the evening and it was a treat from start to finish. Towards the end of the evening, as we sat and enjoyed watching couples dancing to the wonderful band that was playing, a thought crossed my mind that I knew I’d want to include in this newsletter: I was struck by all of the sizes and shapes of love! The dance floor was a study in happiness and affection.
Those couples in motion seemed to embody the qualities of what happy long-term couples do. In unions that thrive, couples are positive towards one another, are affectionate, and have sex.
Over the course of the month, I have been drawn to several articles depicting happy, well-known couples. The same trend I observed at the MIM was also reflected in famous couples as well! I’d like to share a few quick quotes that grabbed my attention.
(British prime minister) Margaret Thatcher: (“I was a better politician because of Denis.”) “If you’ve got security and certainty behind you, if you come home to total loyalty and affection, then your basic worries in life are gone.”
(Decathlete) Dan O’Brien: “…I’m a good husband, a good uncle. I once thought those were things that just happen. Now, I understand that you make them happen.”
(Debilitated wrestling coach) Mike Powell: “You can be a macho man and love your wife. You can be a macho man and be sensitive.” Mike tells wrestlers that he loves them and then, when they blush, he says there’s no shame in expression. (Sports Illustrated, Feb. 13, 2012) “You don’t have to say it back,” he says. “Just know it’s OK to say it.”
(Astronaut) John Glenn and his wife Annie: Asked in a People February 20, 2012 article: What’s the secret of staying together for so long?, they answered:
JG: “On April 6 it will be 69 years! We’ve never known a time when we didn’t know each other. Our parents were good friends and visited back and forth. They used to kid us after we were married that they had us together in the playpen. And they did.
AG: “You know, growing up together as we did, all I can say is that we just enjoyed each other. And even now we like to be together. Every now and then we’ll have an argument – everybody has arguments. But never in 69 years have we had a fight.”
(Businessman and author) Harvey Mackay: “As I like to say, little things don’t mean a lot – they mean everything.”
So while our relationship may look different, whether you are an astronaut or a school teacher, loving healthly relationships have the same foundation of everyday love and affection. May those of us in committed, happy relationships pay attention to the shared wisdom noted above and continue to show our significant other our love as if every day was Valentine’s Day!
Small Things Often
What You Do and Say Every Day Matters
Respect always; Repair Often
Remember to keep the happy in your ever-afters!
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Written on February 16, 2012 by Val
When we asked long married couples for the secret to a happy marriage, we got different answers from just about everyone. People didn’t simply give different answers, they gave opposing ones – some thought that time together was most important, others said time apart, some thought talking through problems was key and others said not talking things over too much at all was the answer. As a result I have come to the conclusion that there really is no secret formula to a happy relationship after all; there are simply certain things that work for some people (and hopefully they match with their partner’s desires) and certain things that work for others.
That’s why I have also come to believe that the best secret for the success of marriage as a whole is to change our mindset as a whole – become more creative in our thinking and realize that marriages and relationships shouldn’t be forced into a one-size-fits-all box (or for that matter forced on us as a concept at all). Marriage has always been evolving; we should be embracing that evolution instead of holding onto an outdated notion of what marriage ‘should’ look like. Shouldn’t marriage and relationships be able to look any way two individuals (of any gender) want them to?
As more and more people start to think about marriage and really evaluate its merits and imperfections, fewer people may end up finding a reason to marry in the first place but, on the other hand, if we all really give marriage the careful consideration it deserves without assuming it’s simply a given in life or simply looks a particular way, then those who end up married are going to have stronger unions. This seems like a positive thing for all.
Oh and also…try and choose a right person to begin with and be sure to view marriage just like life – as a journey and not a destination!
-Article by the Gottman Institute, www.gottman.com
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Written on February 9, 2012 by Val
Answer Yes or No and keep track on a sheet of paper to sum up your final score at the end!
1. I can name my partner’s best friends.
2. I know what stresses my partner is currently facing.
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.
4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
5. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
6. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
7. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.
8. When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner.
9. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.
10. My partner really respects me.
11. There is fire and passion in this relationship.
12. Romance is definitely still part of our relationship.
13. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship.
14. My partner generally likes my personality.
15. Our sex life is mostly satisfying.
16. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.
17. My partner is one of my best friends.
18. We just love talking to each other.
19. There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our
discussions.
20. My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree.
21. My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver.
22. We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.
Your score:
15 or more yes answers: You have a lot of strength in your relationship. Congratulations!
8 to 14: This is a pivotal time in your relationship. There are many strengths you can build upon but there are also some weaknesses that need your attention.
7 or fewer: Your relationship may be in serious trouble. Check out our blog for more information on how to strengthen your relationship!
-Quiz by the Gottman Institute, www.gottman.com
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Written on February 1, 2012 by Val
Prioritize Relationships was conceived several years ago soon after I met the man who would become my second husband. What was I going to need to do differently this time to make love last? Could this relationship really have a ‘happily ever after’ ending? So began the journey of discovering how to maintain a “fit” and “fun” relationship that could weather life’s ups and downs.
I have now lived in my “new way of doing a relationship” for seven years. Even though I wished I could have given my children the gift of observing a strong, loving relationship earlier, I think they have benefited from what I have shared with them and modeled for them over the last few years.
I thought I did divorce well all these years ago now; but my daughters taught me that there is no such thing, really. My daughter once told me that she wants to be able to break the cycle of divorce that exists not only in our extended family, but also in so many families everywhere. Her honesty and insight inspired me. I realized that couples don’t begin a relationship with the idea that it will fail and it’s not that they’re not interested in making it work, they just don’t know how and they don’t have the tools.
This realization was the start of Prioritize Relationships. Prioritize Relationships is about giving people the tools to work on creating a healthy, vibrant relationship. I know what you may be thinking. Work? I work all day! The wonderful news is that “If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.”
I’d like to borrow the saying of Phoenix’s own Queen of Clean, an expert in how to maintain, clean, and care for all one’s possessions. She says, “I’ve done the research so you don’t have to.”
Prioritize Relationships is about sharing the resources and the tools that I have researched to maintain and nurture your relationship with your significant other; the love of your life. If you choose to have children, your strong relationship will be the most important gift you can give them.
One of the biggest misconceptions about relationships is that they will take care of themselves. Love does not conquer all. Love is a verb. It requires actions to be maintained. We wouldn’t dream of not maintaining our cars, homes, yards, and work and personal friendships. But we are so often guilty of not showing up every day in our relationship with our partner, for our partner. We at Prioritize Relationships hope to share tools with families that make it easier to communicate with each other, but also remember the importance of daily connections.
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Written on January 22, 2012 by Val
Each month I pull a topic from my What’s Your Take? conversation prompts to inspire my own personal work towards maintaining healthy relationships. Since it is a new year, I start tossing around ideas like resolve, resolution, new beginnings, fresh starts, looking ahead, and moving forward. As it usually does, the topic I pulled allowed me to identify an area of my life I’m resolving to improve.
My resolution for myself is to improve how I operate in my work environment. While this resolution appears to be focused on professional versus personal relationships, I have found that the two influence one another. Another way to word my resolution: improve how I operate in my work environment to more positively influence how I operate in my home environment.
Like most people, I tend to bring what’s happening in my work environment home with me. Whatever the mood or tone I leave work with tends to be the one my husband is greeted with. He’s tried on several occasions to talk to me about work-life balance. His point is that it is not only about the amount of time we spend together, but also the quality of that time. So in order to improve my priority relationship, I need to improve my work relationships.
For example: When I’m at home, I always want my husband and I to be direct with one another. When I’m at work, I find that’s harder to do. I tend to bring passive-aggressive feelings or stress home with me. So, I’ve resolved to be more direct at work. This has allowed me to deal with issues that are bothering me in a much more positive way, ironically, just like I do at home. I believe that much of the discomfort created at home has been due to not taking more responsibility for what was happening at work. Dealing with work issues in a more direct manner at work will free me up more at home.
Balance is not the quantity of time we spend in one environment or another, but the quality of time. If we can take good care of each relationship in each environment, then there is an increased likelihood of the good spilling from one relationship environment to the others.
I thank my husband for once again being the sounding board in our home in order to promote peace and balance. I am proud of myself for allowing him to influence me to be a better, more positive partner that steps in the door after work every day.
Maintaining direct and positive relationships in one environment enables one to move positively forward in another environment.
Isn’t this a wonderful way to start the new year?
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Written on December 6, 2011 by Val
The giving season is here! When you are in a relationship, gifts are more than a one-time purchase. You’ve heard of The Fruit of the Month Club and The Wine of the Month Club. What about taking this idea a step further and embrace (or institute) A Loving Gift of the Month Club, given to your partner as a holiday gift. Each month, on the anniversary of its receipt, the giver asks the recipient what they would want to be given that can’t be purchased in a store. Some ideas include, but are certainly not limited to:
♥ Back rub
♥ Massage
♥ Long walk or hike together
♥ Babysitting the kids so that the recipient can have a day/evening to him/her self
♥ Dancing to candlelight
♥ Making a gourmet meal together
♥ Picnic
♥ Sunday drive to a place they’ve not been before
♥ Going to the zoo
♥ Being in bed together all day
♥ If the suggested idea involves planning, a date for the preferred activity could be marked on the calendar prior to the following month’s holiday anniversary.
This is going to be my husband’s present this year. Perhaps it will become such a hit at our house that we will each be receiving this gift next year. This might not be a bad idea for other family members or for the person who has everything.
I can’t think of a more wonderful gift than the gift of time and doing something that our loved one really wants from us or to do with us. Anticipation is a powerful love “hormone.” These monthly gifts could be just what is needed to keep the spice and variety of love alive. Enjoy! Have a happy safe Holiday Season!!
Small Things Often
What You Do and Say Every Day Matters
Respect always; Repair Often
Remember to keep the happy in your ever-afters!
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